Who am I?

This is a question that I have been asking myself for a long time. Here is a summary of what I got so far.

I grew up in a very orthodox christian environment. As a child I was diagnosed PDD-NOS which is an ADHD and autism related anomality in my behavior. From a young age on I was very attracted to computers and programming. I played a lot of games when I was young, and I also made some games myself. Later on I started to study IT and making business applications, web apps and the like. In my spare time I studied all kinds of topics on the internet, like artificial intelligence, psychology, philosophy and religion. I had a couple of relationships, but I was not able to maintain them. I am not very good at communicating so I kind of gave up on having a good relation hehe. I have communication problems at work as well, and last year I got in a depression. I started believing in conspiracy theories and ultimately dropped my belief in a god. That is something I am very grateful for and I am now on my way to recovery. I can still get very enthousiastic when talking about religion, sometimes to a point where it gets emotional. I am now trying to avoid that and learning to communicate in the best possible way. When I feel motivated I work a bit on websites that I make, like sociorating.com or amsterdamspliffguide.com, or my website martiendejong.nl. I try my best to help others in whatever way I can. I’m also open to any feedback if there you would be so kind to leave any.

What do I really want to do

I want to make a list of things that I really want. to do. This list is indefinite.

Be Me

The first and most important thing I want is to be myself. I should always try to be the best version of myself, but that is still just me. I am a unique creature, carefully created and polished by my surroundings. An artwork if you wish. I function in a particular way. Things that work fine for someone else may not work for me and vice-versa. My greatest wish is to just be me.

Make the world a better place

When I see things that can be improved, I like to change them. I really hate to do unneccessary work and when see others struggle with something I like to help them out.

Computer programming!

I love programming so much I can do it all day long. I am usually a bit distracted because when I find something that I like I switch into looking into that. So for me it really helps to have a task list or agenda at hand, which is fortunately not that hard nowadays.

Socializing

I like to hang out with other people and share ideas. I’m a usually quite shy and silent, but when I talk about something that I like I can quickly change my mood into a very enthousiastic and persuasive one. It took me some time to figure out that this can be quite annoying too, but I think I learned that now :p.

 

 

more to come!

My depression

This is a topic that I have difficulty talking about, but I feel that I have to share. For me this topic quite embarassing because it deals with negative feelings I have about myself and the world around me. My goal is to help you get a better understanding of me, and also I hope to get a better understanding of myself.

For the last few years I’ve begin to feel very depressed and insecure. Some things happened to me that I perceived as real turn-offs, and I began to question the usefulness of my life.

 

I broke up with my partner, and I had a lot of trouble finding a job that suits me. I want to meaningful things for the world, but I don’t succeed in the things I do, and it seems that noone is interested in what I do.

I see the many mistake I made and I feel really bad about them. I constantly feel that I am not productive enough and must do more to earn my space.

I want to reach further and evolve, but Im stuck.

 

I now find myself unmotivated to take good care of myself. Things like eating on time, washing clothes, cleaning the house, visiting friends or family all do not matter much to me anymore.

Having fun or socializing seems like a waste of time. Other people around me are wasting their time and energy on such nonsensical things. I have real difficulty why they just won’t understand me, or listen to me.

I feel caged and I really want to break free.

 

Well, that’s it for now (pfew). I hope it makes some sense.