What do I really want to do

I want to make a list of things that I really want. to do. This list is indefinite.

Be Me

The first and most important thing I want is to be myself. I should always try to be the best version of myself, but that is still just me. I am a unique creature, carefully created and polished by my surroundings. An artwork if you wish. I function in a particular way. Things that work fine for someone else may not work for me and vice-versa. My greatest wish is to just be me.

Make the world a better place

When I see things that can be improved, I like to change them. I really hate to do unneccessary work and when see others struggle with something I like to help them out.

Computer programming!

I love programming so much I can do it all day long. I am usually a bit distracted because when I find something that I like I switch into looking into that. So for me it really helps to have a task list or agenda at hand, which is fortunately not that hard nowadays.

Socializing

I like to hang out with other people and share ideas. I’m a usually quite shy and silent, but when I talk about something that I like I can quickly change my mood into a very enthousiastic and persuasive one. It took me some time to figure out that this can be quite annoying too, but I think I learned that now :p.

 

 

more to come!

First steps towards feeling better

Last tuesday I asked my boss if I could get some time off to recover from my bad feelings. I was stressed out and had trouble keeping myself under control emotionally. My boss agreed so I am off since wednesday.

My plan is to get myself to feel good again as soon as possible. The first days I used to relax a lot and calm down from the stressful moments at work. I also worked on ideas that I have. I feel quite a lot better already from the fun things that I did so far.

My plan is now to pick one goal that I think is most important to me right now, and focus on it so that I will get it done. If I have completed the goal I will pick a new goal, but not look in the future or be distracted.

I am planning to reach my boss tomorrow morning, to give him an update of my status.

My depression

This is a topic that I have difficulty talking about, but I feel that I have to share. For me this topic quite embarassing because it deals with negative feelings I have about myself and the world around me. My goal is to help you get a better understanding of me, and also I hope to get a better understanding of myself.

For the last few years I’ve begin to feel very depressed and insecure. Some things happened to me that I perceived as real turn-offs, and I began to question the usefulness of my life.

 

I broke up with my partner, and I had a lot of trouble finding a job that suits me. I want to meaningful things for the world, but I don’t succeed in the things I do, and it seems that noone is interested in what I do.

I see the many mistake I made and I feel really bad about them. I constantly feel that I am not productive enough and must do more to earn my space.

I want to reach further and evolve, but Im stuck.

 

I now find myself unmotivated to take good care of myself. Things like eating on time, washing clothes, cleaning the house, visiting friends or family all do not matter much to me anymore.

Having fun or socializing seems like a waste of time. Other people around me are wasting their time and energy on such nonsensical things. I have real difficulty why they just won’t understand me, or listen to me.

I feel caged and I really want to break free.

 

Well, that’s it for now (pfew). I hope it makes some sense.

Stop smoking sigarettes success

Well, I guess from my last assignment, I finished at least the most important part, and that is to stop smoking cigarettes 🙂

I have now found a new task for myself, and that is to do something every day that I feel uncomfortable doing.

The reason for this is that by starting to include options that I am currently uncomfortable with doing, I will increase the total number options that I have tremendously.

I started yesterday. Here are the results so far:

26-01-2010 – Go to sleep early, without the aid of cannabis

Somehow I managed to fall asleep quickly (at around 23.15) but I woke up several times during the night. I also had a lot of trouble waking up in the morning, I felt exausted. I woke up at 10.00.

27-01-2010 – Ride a bike for at least half an hour

This one went better than last one. I rode for half an hour.  The cold was not so much of a problem, but the wind constantly blew my hair in my face in a way that made it impossible for me to look around. I am now back and I decided to go to a barber shop and have my hair cut.  I also have muscle pain now but that is probably because I did not do much exercise for the last 5 years :p

First results:

Black lungs prevent me from smoking my third sigarette today

I am really glad to announce that I have skipped the third sigarette for today.

I hope this will help to prevent my lungs from turning into this:

Smoker's lungs

My next sigarette break

When I was reviewing the introduction, I thought it was a bit short of an article for five minutes of writing.

So I started to wonder how much text I will be able to produce in those five-minute breaks.

While the fact that I do not smoke is in my opinion more important than the fact that I am writing some bullshit over here, I  am pretty certain that I will not run short on text.

I now took two break within a span of an hour. Assuming I will be awake for at least 15 hours a day, I will be writing about 30 messages of 3-5 lines which makes for a grand total of about 120 lines each day.

Whoops, time’s up. Gotta go! 😀

Stop smoking & Start blogging

Hello. My name is Martien.

I am trying to stop smoking, and to start blogging.

I have now decided to try and combine these two.

Whenever I feel the need to smoke, I will instead visit this blog, and write for at least five minutes.

So… five minutes are passing pretty quickly, and they are over now.

Cya next time!